but the lizard people decide everything anyway
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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