i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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