i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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