I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
