So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
