yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
