Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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