Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
