Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
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oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
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You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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