she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
