You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
