my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
