So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.