Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
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This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid