Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
