That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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