I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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