dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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