Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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