i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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