My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
