Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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