i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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