my phone needs a breathalizer
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
