A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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