I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Edward fifth and chaser hands
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
