trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
