So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
