How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Randomize
