she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
