those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
