soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
