Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
