Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm like, not good at living.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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