My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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