her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
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So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
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I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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