Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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