just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
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