2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
