Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
