my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
