so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Someone signed my nipple.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
