sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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