Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
