One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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