I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
