I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
