i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
