Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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