I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Randomize
