She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
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