Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
