3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
