I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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