I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
