what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
