They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
