i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
