turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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