I'm gonna have a badass scar
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Just high enough for therapy.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
