When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
